This will be a very short entry (as I am going to have my dinner at 7).

There was this thought that suddenly struck me. I was just pondering over whether I should message back this friend to tell her to take care of herself (she just recovered from her fever and exam period is near) because she is having bread for dinner. Then, my mind drifted away, remembering my past experience in Perfect World. "Who do you think you are?" echoed in my blank mind. I quietly agreed. Yeah, who do I think I am? I then realised I'm doing the same thing again, recently - I'm acting like I know some of the people around me very well. But, the truth is, do I really know them? A normal thing to do would be continue to get to know them, to know more about them. Yet, now I want to back off. I want to blend myself back to the background. I don't want to put my head into others' worlds and act like I see everything that happens in their worlds. I don't want to hear "Who do you think you are?" from them when (eventually) I overdo it. I know that phrase will hurt me more than before if it comes from them. It already hurt so much when it was from a group of people I hardly knew and hung out online. So, I'm backing out. I'll give up asking. I'll shrink back to my passive self.. I know it isn't good, but I guess I'm choosing to protect myself over the chance to get to know more people. Ha, I am really expressing my trait well - risk-taker, I'm not.

I don't need to count how many "I"(s) I used in this entry to know how self-centered or selfish I am. Its about me, only. Haha, ugly me.. Can I ever change? Will I ever change? ..when I'm hurting no one (I think) but myself..

I.. I.. I.. I.. I.. I ... I'm sick of "I".


Or this is just another excuse I use to make myself stop knocking on that piece of wall which pretend to be a door.. haha.. haha... I am the only person that know you well. Haha..

I was unhappy upon knowing I obtained a B for my second General Physiology test. It is a B, not a B+ which 60+ of students get. I am among the 34 students where 101 students are standing proudly on top of us, and we can barely balance ourselves as we step on other 57 students. The test wasn't tough but my results are not so good apparently - I was falling unknowingly into the mind trap which I already reminded myself not to before I came here. "Studying hard and fairly easy test don't guarantee great result", I know that, yet to tell the truth, I never really anticipate that to happen to me. It just came so suddenly when my guard was low. Yeah, it isn't easy to shake off the basic human nature - we think highly of ourselves. It varies from people to people in which whether they show it or don't. Those who flaunt that mindset are labelled as arrogant.

Well, I was unhappy and further saddened when I learnt about my classmate's great result. It became worse after I read my professor's email which reminded me that that grade represents my standing in the class. I questioned myself, "Am I just hopelessly useless in everything?". That went on for a while. I was sitting there, trapping my poor self in a dimension and then I was also a looming shadow who resides on top of that dimension, throwing boulders, one by one, onto that running-around-screaming-"madness!" me. I was unaware of the intention of wanting to squash myself so I was unknowingly killing my confidence with my own hands. Haha, I didn't know how did I came out of that, but at some point, I did. I remembered my lucky lunch that day - it had more meat than usual (though I have my own hypothesis as to why is that). It wasn't much but it made my day and it made me smiled. Then I was suddenly ambushed by a pang of realization - why am I so determined in finding reasons to make myself unhappy while there are plenty of joyous little things around me all the time? Why do I keep telling myself I'm an useless sack of a human being while I'm not? At least I get a B, not a F again :D And I serve my evil purpose of pushing 57 other students under me. There, a purpose, an ability. I don't know why should I keep stabbing myself for not being able to get a B+ because humans are never satisfied. If I got a B+ instead, I'll whine about how could I not getting an A lol typical human.

It may sounds dejected saying I am satisfied with a B, but I find myself happier when I am more accepting of the result. That isn't an easy thing to do. As I mentioned, it is hard to peel off that human nature for wanting to be special and all high and mighty. I am a slow learner of life but that won't stop me from learning, ain't it (well, truthfully, there is nothing else I can do in life if I don't learn). Life is just too vast for my brain to swallow it at once so for now, I'm eating it up bits by bits :D with butter and chocolate and eggs. Its not that I'll stop striving to be better, it is just that I need to be more accepting of myself, my results and my abilities (if I have any). Of course I'll continue to do my assignments, tutorials, essays, practicals and etc., but I should not feel the need to bang myself onto the wall every time my grades are not of satisfactory. So what if I get average or below average? As long as I don't fail, I still get a degree, don't I? (I hope my assumption is true =.=) It is not the end of the world if I get trampled by those who are better than me. It is in fact a proof that I am living in this world which is filled by various kind of homo sapiens (it means wise man in Latin, we are expressing our human nature too when it comes to taxonomy), ain't it :D because there are always someone (and whole of of these "someone" lol) or something who have better brains than me. I'll hasten my pace to death if I continue to whine and stab myself like this every time I get unhappy results, haha, because it will never end! And it is not the end of the world too, if I fail to do something, because I am still alive :D Being alive means we can do all sort of things~

Well, after getting all relaxed around my results, I told my mom when she called, to not to expect much from me because my results aren't doing great but I never mentioned the F grade for first 20% test. I don't think she (not her actually, some other people in the family) can handle it. I should have nothing to fear as I do have excuse for that even though I myself was blaming my own stupidity (it IS), but I doubt it will come to a happy end where they totally won't utter a word to lecture me, but just pat my shoulder and kindly ask me to do what I can. I expect it will become something like: "Argh? Nevermind la, no big deal no big deal, do well in the finals lo. But seriously, must remember to write numbers next time you know." then turns and tells others behind my back, "I can't believe she is that stupid.. didn't write down numbers for her answers. She is going to get a bad grade for overall result. I can't believe we are spending money to send her there to study. She should have just study in local."

Hahaha, my prediction isn't always correct but it surely has higher tendency to be correct when it comes to my family matters because I have seen these scenes too many times in my life.